I've been feeling rather emo lately. Yea, emo's the right word, or perhaps, moody suits too. I've never thought of desribing myself this way, but that was exactly how I've been acting recently. Moody.
My heart is pounding, loud and fast, right now, while I'm writing this post. Usually this sentence links to the lovey-dovey romance stuffs, but not now. My heart is filled with conflicting emotions; I don't know what I'm feeling. I've been seeing and noticing many things which rose my wrath and hatred these past few days. It's all because of this particular person. I actually disliked her more than Point 11, after what point 11 said about me. Once, for the first time in my life, I felt like calling someone a 'b!tch'. She didn't exactly do anything to me though I knew she didn't like me. But, of all people, things she did caught my attention though they had nothing to do with me, causing me to suffer from my own wrath against her. How I wished I could slap her and torment her all I want; how I wished I could tell tales (which were true) on her without upsetting other people. Why do I even bother about her? I ask myself. I don't know, is my answer. Things she does irritates me, her attitute annoys me (though I have a bad attitute myself), the way she dresses is an eyesore to me; everything about her causes my hatred. But still, I control my feelings around her, suppressing them, keeping everything to myself, and in the end, hurting no one, but myself. It's too bad, just so bad, that I have to keep up with her; I can't afford earning myself another enemy. I know she's a wolf in sheep's skin, but at least, she's just that. I don't want another one who opposes me directly. I've suffered too much.
LY's note was a comfort. Knowing that she still cared about me and remembered me to be her bao was good. Very good. But not good enough to relieve me from all my problems. I yearned to tell her everything, exactly everything, but I just can't bring myself to do that. I don't know what consequence it would bring if I told her everything on my mind. Her power to affect the whole situation is just too big.
I don't know who to confide to right now. My BFFs might listen, but I know they wouldn't completely agree with me. I know it's rather selfish to want other people to agree with my thoughts, but that's what I want right now. LY will agree with me, I know that. But like I said, I can't afford to bear the consequence of confiding in to her (if it's bad, which is most likely to be).
I lost my refuge. I resent the fact about some people knowing my blog address. My blog is my only refuge (I don't keep a diary), and I lost it. You can't blame me for being emo, I lost my one and only refuge...
Previously feeling: EMO
Currently feeling: EMO
Predict feeling: EMO... in days to come.
p/s I actually know what I'm feeling apart from emo. Boiling anger.
*****
The above is supposed to be posted in XANGA, but Xanga was having technical problems and was loading so slow that I got impatient. I might consider switching from Xanga to Blogger. But my bond with Xanga is deep (not sure if it's the right adjective to describe bonds). 999 days is not a small number.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)